planet Over Easy – Under The Table

Star Date: April 9 Kung 127238

We are all feeling a bit chagrined today, and no one more so than our Chief Science Coordinator. Turns out since day one of our time here on planet Over Easy we’ve been eating only the males of the species sapien horribilis and not the females. Why? Because the females are so vastly different than the males in appearance, and so much more spiritually and intellectually advanced than the males, our most sophisticated sensors classified the females as a separate species sapien hermosa, and definitely not to be eaten.

We inquired of the super-advanced Gigantic Tree People about the incredible differences between the males and females of sapien horribilis. These huge and ancient tree people remember everything that has ever happened on the planet for the last million years. They assured us that if not for the female sapien horribiliss, the males would have slaughtered each other into extinction eons ago. Thus the question our biologists and psychologists are trying to answer is: why, if the females of the species are so advanced, doesn’t their spiritual and intellectual and emotional sophistication manifest in their male offspring? So far we are thoroughly baffled by this question.

In any case, this discovery has resulted in a temporary cessation of the harvesting of sapien horribilis males, which leaves us very little easy-to-find protein-rich food on Over Easy and may mean we are not long for this world.

We have had several requests for photos of sapien horribilis, but our information managers decided that because the males resemble the males of our own species to some degree, such photos might be too upsetting for our constituency. Ditto the females.

And so before we depart Over Easy, I would like to introduce you to a few more of the outstanding life forms we’ve encountered on this verdant planet.

The Periwinkle People are outstanding singers and psychotherapists. They live in small groups yet are highly independent individuals. They speak in complex rhyming patterns and are fluent in hundreds of languages. Their particular shade of blue is a powerful antidote to sadness and despair.

The Rhodie People, symbiotic neighbors of the Gigantic Tree People, spend most of each year absorbing solar rays and ground moisture to create a spectacular show of colorful blooms that lasts a few weeks and illuminates the entire universe. In their pre-blooming state, their heads resemble pineapples and their leaves shine with promise. In their shiny pineapple state they are given to spouting love poems and exchanging intimacies with visiting insects.

The Red and Green Lettuce people live to feed others. Their humility is so profound that just a few minutes in their presence fills us with gratitude for the opportunity to be alive.

Parsley People are robust and clever and spend much of their time writing lyrics for songs sung by myriad other species. They are champions of collaboration and live by the motto We Go With Everything.

There’s the call to evening meal. Beans and rice and broccoli again. Oh well.

Until next time.

Star Date: April 5 Buddha 2723

What an amazing planet is this Over Easy. Every minute of every hour our data collecting pods and sensors and communicators reveal new and startling details of life on this remarkable orb. The air is deliciously breathable, water plentiful, and many of the life forms are edible. Of course we are extremely careful not to eat the most spiritually and intellectually advanced life forms, but fortunately there are billions of a certain kind of large mammal entirely void of spiritual or intellectual traces that are quite delicious when prepared properly.

Strangely, this virtually senseless mammal thrives on the planet and is a constant threat to the more spiritually and intellectually advanced life forms, which are, by the way, as advanced as any life forms we have ever encountered in our millions of years of galaxy roving. Why the advanced forms on Over Easy have yet to eliminate this noxious inferior species, we have yet to determine, but our initial interviews with members of the more brilliant species indicate they feel they are close to solving the problem.

In the meantime, these slow-moving mammals provide unlimited tasty comestibles for us.

The most advanced beings we have yet to encounter on Over Easy are the White Bell People. These delightful creatures live in clusters on tree-like structures, sing in multi-layered high-frequency harmony, and recite stunning extemporaneous poetry at the drop of a hat. For much of each year, the White Bell People exist in a non-material state, resuming their transient physical forms every spring.

A particularly loquacious member of the White Bell People informed us with a hilarious extemporaneous monologue that the large mammal we’ve been eating with gusto is known as sapien horribilis and is dangerous, unpredictable, reproduces at an alarming rate, and is incredibly destructive. We also learned that there are rare individual sapien horribiliss who are more advanced than their general population. However, we have yet to encounter such individuals.

Nearly as advanced as the White Bell People are the Tiny Pink People. They are fountains of wisdom and their music is so reminiscent of the compositions of Mendelssohn, one has to wonder if good old Felix wasn’t doing some serious cross-dimensional borrowing when he composed his greatest hits. But once you hear the Tiny Pink People making their ethereal music full tilt boogie you won’t blame Felix for doing some creative borrowing.

When not making music and fountaining wisdom, the Tiny Pink People spend their days dancing with the wind and dispensing advice to the lovelorn.

I have just a few more minutes before evening meal—sapien horriblis tacos with guacamole, salsa, and refried beans—and will close today’s report with a few tidbits about the solar lava flows abounding on Over Easy.

Our sensors and probes and communicators have determined that these congealed solar power units are possessed, individually and collectively, of unique senses of humor and insight. One might call their humor wacky in the manner of the Marx Brothers, and their non-verbal insights thought provoking in the manner of Krishnamurti. As you can see from these pictures, their sense of the absurd combined with a mastery of juxtaposing elements in tension is truly awesome.

Ah there’s the evening meal bell. Yum yum. Until next time.