{"id":4343,"date":"2021-02-27T10:14:18","date_gmt":"2021-02-27T17:14:18","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/?p=4343"},"modified":"2021-02-27T10:30:35","modified_gmt":"2021-02-27T17:30:35","slug":"cozy-fart-head-mozart","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/archives\/4343","title":{"rendered":"Cozy Fart Head Mozart"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
\"\"<\/figure>\n\n\n\n

There once was a dog named Cozy Fart Head who was the reincarnation of Mozart. We realize that may seem implausible, but tell us something that isn\u2019t essentially implausible. We are, after all, each the result of one<\/em> little nearly invisible spermatozoa out of millions and millions in a single ejaculation that against all odds somehow got admitted into the egg before the fortress wall closed. Had any other spermatozoa been selected, we wouldn\u2019t exist. If we\u2019re not implausible, we\u2019re highly unlikely.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Why, you may ask, would anyone name\ntheir dog Cozy Fart Head? Here\u2019s what happened. When Hank Testaverde, known to\nhis acquaintances as Testosterone, was thirty-seven, he hooked up with Sheila\nSunrise who was twenty-four, and early on in their six-year cohabitation Sheila\ngot pregnant and gave birth to a boy she named Maurice. Hank thought Maurice\nwas his kid, but actually Sheila conceived Maurice with a guy she met at a\nLaundromat while Hank was in Reno gambling away his disability check. The guy who\nimpregnated Sheila told her his name was Maurice, and though she didn\u2019t believe\nhim, she named their kid that.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Maurice was sweet and super smart,\nand Hank was actually an okay parent to him as long as Sheila was around, which\nwas until Maurice was five, at which point Sheila had had enough of life with Hank\nin his cruddy old trailer in a low-life trailer park called Shangri-La Haven in\na town we will not name in California. And because she was an irresponsible promiscuous\nalcoholic, Sheila did not take Maurice with her, after which Hank was not such\na good parent to Maurice and started calling him Bummer.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Even so, for Christmas a few weeks\nafter Sheila split, Hank gave Maurice a puppy to keep him company in the\nabsence of his mother. The pup was a mix of Pit Bull, Chocolate Lab, and\nSiberian Husky. Maurice called the pup Cozy, but Hank said that was a pussy\nname and called the dog Fart Head. Hence the dog initially thought his name was\nCozy Fart Head.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Then about six months after Sheila\nsplit, Hank hooked up with Angela, another promiscuous alcoholic, and when\nAngela and her three-year-old daughter Tess moved into the cruddy little\ntrailer, Hank called Child Protection Services and said a woman had abandoned\nher little boy and a dog at his place and they should come get the child and\nthe dog.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

As luck would have it, the social\nworker assigned to Maurice\u2019s case was a woman named Margot Morningstar who\nloved dogs and had recently lost her beloved old mutt Casey. She also\nrecognized in Maurice an inherently kind and generous soul, so she adopted Cozy\nFart Head and placed Maurice in a foster home with a cousin of hers named Rose\nBlack Feather and Rose\u2019s partner Thomas Gray Hawk. On Saturdays Margot would\nbabysit Maurice and he\u2019d get to be with Cozy Fart Head, which is when Margot\nlearned the boy\u2019s name for the dog was Cozy and he never appended those\nadditional two derogatory words.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Margot Morningstar was a Pomo\nIndian, her cousin Rose was Pomo, too, and Thomas was Maidu. Rose and Thomas\nhad two other foster kids, a nine-year-old girl named China and a\nseven-year-old boy named Champ. Rose was an RN at the local hospital, Thomas a\ncar mechanic, and life with them for Maurice was in every way a thousand times\nbetter than his life had been with Sheila and Hank.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So, yeah, Cozy was the reincarnation\nof Mozart. What a kick. Here was the spirit essence of a genius musician living\nout yet another life in the body of a seventy-five-pound dog. Since inhabiting\nthe body of Mozart, this particular spirit essence had reincarnated dozens of\ntimes, usually in a human body, but four times as a pelican and numerous times\nas hummingbirds. Cozy was Mozart\u2019s first dog incarnation, and Mozart enjoyed\nmany aspects of being a dog, though now and then longed for fingers with which\nto tickle the old ivories.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Before this spirit essence was\nMozart, it had incarnated in many people, many elephants, dolphins, and countless\ntigers.  Making music was always a high\npriority when this spirit essence aimed to be reincarnated, but sometimes the targeted\novum was missed and another ovum became the landing spot.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the case of Cozy, the spirit\nessence of Mozart was aiming for the ovum of a moments-before impregnated woman\nwho lived two doors down from the home of Hank\u2019s friend Carl. And the spirit essence\nof Mozart would<\/em> have merged with the\novum of Golda Bernstein, a brilliant violinist, except Golda suddenly got out\nof bed where she\u2019d been snoozing beside her husband Eli, a brilliant pianist, and\nthe spirit essence of Mozart bounced off the Bernstein bed, flew out the\nwindow, and as spirit essences once launched will do, merged with the first\novum it encountered, which in this case was Carl\u2019s moments-before impregnated\ndog Sophie.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

That\u2019s the prelude to the story of\nhow the spirit essence of Mozart, incarnate as a large friendly dog, was able\nto share its musical genius with the world yet again.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

*<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So when Maurice was seven and his\nbrother Champ was nine and his sister China was eleven, foster parents Rose and\nThomas adopted the trio and the kids were no longer foster kids. To celebrate\nthis momentous event, Thomas and Rose said the kids could each have a\nreasonably priced gift of their choosing. China asked for a basketball hoop and\nball, Champ asked for a fishing pole and fishing reel, and Maurice asked if\nCozy could come live with them.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cIf you will take care of him, feed\nhim, and most importantly pick up his poop,\u201d said Rose. \u201cOkay.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWhat else do you want?\u201d asked\nThomas, encouragingly. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWell,\u201d said Maurice, who thought\nThomas and Rose were the most wonderful people on earth, \u201cI\u2019d love to have a\nguitar.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

We should note here that\nreincarnated spirit essences remember all their previous lives when they are\nresiding in the spirit realm. And most spirit essences can also remember their\nprevious lives when they inhabit the body of anything other than a human being.\nDon\u2019t know why this is, but there you have it.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Thus Cozy remembered being Mozart,\nremembered being Stephen Foster, and<\/em>\nremembered being Billie Holiday. And he was one pleased pooch knowing Maurice\nwas learning to play the guitar. Every time Maurice got out his guitar to\npractice, Cozy would sit nearby listening avidly and wagging his tail in time\nto the music.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

The years passed. When Maurice was\nfourteen and Cozy was eight, Maurice started writing a song. It was a pretty\ngood song, except the melody lacked nuance and soul. One day when Maurice was\nsinging the song aloud and sang a G note, Cozy made a whining sound that was G\nflat. Maurice stopped playing, frowned at Cozy, and sang the G note again. And\nagain, Cozy whined G flat.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d said Maurice, nodding. \u201cI\u2019ll\ntry that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

So he sang the line again, flatted\nthe G, and the music sounded gorgeous and original and full of meaning beyond\nthe meaning of the prosaic lyrics.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Cozy made seven more note corrections in the course of Maurice\u2019s singing the song for him, and the song became a magnificent original compelling ballad. When Maurice sang the song for Thomas and Rose and Champ and China, they were enthralled.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cYou<\/em>\nwrote that?\u201d said Thomas, amazed by the song.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cWith a little help from Cozy,\u201d said\nMaurice, who always gave credit where credit was due.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHow did Cozy help you write the\nsong,\u201d asked Champ, who loved Maurice but found him a little odd.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cSuggested several note changes,\u201d\nsaid Maurice, matter-of-factly. \u201cReally took it to a whole other level.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cBe that as it may,\u201d said Thomas,\nthinking Maurice was joking, \u201cI\u2019d like my cousin Marvin Night Owl to hear that\nsong. He\u2019s a song writer in Nashville and might be able to get a recording\nartist to record that.\u201d<\/p>\n\n\n\n

\u201cHey maybe you\u2019ll make enough money\nto pay for me to go to college,\u201d said China, who hoped to be a professional\nbasketball player and a neurosurgeon.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

And that\u2019s what ended up happening.\nMaurice made a recording of the song with Rose\u2019s phone, they sent the recording\nto Marvin Night Owl, he copyrighted the song in Maurice\u2019s name, played the song\nfor Biff Manly, the Country music star, Biff went bonkers over the song, and\n\u2018I\u2019m Always Someone Else\u2019 was a big hit and made Maurice and his family a nice\nchunk of change.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Over the next five years, Maurice\nand Cozy wrote forty more songs together. Some of the songs were collaborations\nlike \u2018I\u2019m Always Someone Else\u2019, and some of the songs were whined in their\nentirety by Cozy, and Maurice transcribed the melodies and created accompanying\nchords. You\u2019ve undoubtedly heard many of their songs, all of which were\nrecorded by famous singers, perhaps their most famous collaboration being the\niconic \u2018Here I Am Again\u2019.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

When Maurice was nineteen and Cozy\nwas thirteen, Cozy died, and the spirit essence of Mozart returned to the\nspirit realm. Maurice continued to write songs without his dog, and he composed\nseveral more catchy tunes over the ensuing decades, though none were as great\nas the forty classics he and Cozy created together.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

fin<\/em><\/p>\n\n\n\n

You Are the One<\/a><\/em><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

There once was a dog named Cozy Fart Head who was the reincarnation of Mozart. We realize that may seem implausible, but tell us something that isn\u2019t essentially implausible. We are, after all, each the result of one little nearly invisible spermatozoa out of millions and millions in a single ejaculation that against all odds […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[6503,6510,6508,6505,6509,1255,6504,9,33,4663],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4343"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=4343"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4343\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":4347,"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4343\/revisions\/4347"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=4343"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=4343"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/underthetablebooks.com\/blog\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=4343"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}